As mentioned in previous posts, Alek and I always wanted a family. Before we knew whether we wanted to buy a house or rent, before we knew when we would get married, and before we knew what career paths we would take, we always knew we wanted kids. We even lost incredible amounts of weight to make sure it could happen.
Once you decide you are going to try to get pregnant, a new series of worries and concerns flow into your head. You start asking things like, "What if I can't get pregnant?," "What if we pass down a terrible genetic defect?," "What if we aren't good parents?" In every passing month, your questions get more desperate and a little more crazy.
For us, it was in the 3rd month that I finally got the 2 lines we were looking for. I had a toothbrush and a mouth full of toothpaste on the morning of June 5, 2013 as I hovered over a cheap family dollar HCG test. I squinted and turned on extra bathroom lighting to try to see the ever-so-faint line. I tried to show Alek where I saw the line, but he couldn't see what I was seeing. I was disappointed that he wasn't as excited as I was, but he was convinced the test was faulty and there was excess dye in the control line. We went to work and I couldn't concentrate. All I could wonder was if the line would get darker when I tested again the next morning.
That night, I eyed up the digital test I had purchased 2 months beforehand in preparation for when the line tests inevitably confused us. They say the best time to test is with first morning urine, but I had a hunch the digital one would be more sensitive and I would get my digital "Pregnant." I didn't tell Alek I was testing again, in case I was wrong and it said, "Not Pregnant."
5 minutes later, the digital test read what I knew it would. Once I gathered my thoughts, I realized I had to tell Alek. I tried to think of all the cutesy ways to tell him and all the ideas I'd seen on Pinterest for telling the Dad, but I didn't have the patience required for the planning of any of them! I settled on hiding the test in my bra, sitting on his lap and pulling out the test to show him.
He grinned widely once he put the pieces together. He looked at me, looked at the test, grinned widely and said, "Does this mean what I think it means?" We hugged, we kissed, and we hugged again. We were so excited that we had a hard time getting to sleep. Even though we were sleepy the next day, we were still so very exited. We threw ideas around as to how we would tell our parents. We had decided months earlier that if we were expecting by the time the wedding arrived, we would announce it at the wedding.
We debated telling our parents before the wedding, and then thought about just telling them with everyone else, and we decided on telling them the weekend before our wedding. The trick was getting all our parents together and not tipping them off that we had a surprise.
I went on Ebay and bought 2 books titled "All My Bad Habits I Learned From My Grandpa" and 2 others that were essentially Grandma Handbooks. The books were outfitted with envelopes containing copies of the first sonogram. The excuse we used to get them over was we were giving them their parent gifts for the wedding and all their help.
It was torture waiting for them to open their setup gifts. I tapped my feet under the table and couldn't keep still enough to sit down. The moment they finished opening the gifts, I declared that there were gifts we forgot about and I ran upstairs to get the books and sonogram pictures. I think my feet touched 2 stairs, I went so fast.
I passed out the books and said, "Open them all at the same time. They are similar and I don't want anyone seeing someone else's first." Of course, Alek's mother tore through hers the moment we handed it to her, and my Dad slowly and carefully picked at the wrapping paper. Immediately, Alek's mother asked, "Is there something you are trying to tell us?" I told her to open the envelope. My mother stared at the sonogram pictures for a few moments and finally asked, "Did you do this on purpose?" My Dad said, "I thought it looked like you gained a pound or two...." Bob said, "Sweet."
All in all, I'm happy we decided to tell our parents before the wedding so they could get all their questions and crazy comments out before we told everyone else. By the end of the night, all were excited for a new member of the family.
After the excitement of the news and the wedding settled down, I had a new worry: "What if I miscarry?" This thought consumed me right up until my 13th week of pregnancy. At the 13 week Nuchal Translucency screening, I saw that our baby was alive, well and thriving. This calmed my fears of miscarriage, but then a new worry kicked in: "What if I go into preterm labor?"
Immediately after getting back from Cancun (week 14), we started the mortgage process and began looking for houses. This is a notoriously stressful and time-consuming adventure. Alek worried about the effect that stress would have on me and baby (clearly we are both worry warts). We juggled our work schedules to accommodate two five hour home inspections on top of keeping up with sonograms, blood work, pre-natal appointments and meetings with the bank. Alek worried constantly about where he would be working and how much money he would be making. As it stood, he wouldn't have health insurance after February (his 26th birthday) if he didn't either find a new job or get hired on permanently at his contract job.
I could feel my anxiety soaring. To add to it all, our great friend Tim moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It seemed like all we've known, all at once, was changing. There was suddenly nothing I could cling to that was familiar. I told myself when I would get really worried, "The only thing stable about life is change." But it didn't do much to help me. I couldn't picture what our lives would look like in a year because everything was up in the air. The only thing I could count on was we would be parents, and I didn't know if that thought terrified me or gave me joy. Sometimes it was both.
During this time, I became so forgetful that I felt I didn't even know myself. I knew pregnancy brain was a factor, but the stress was no help. Then I would stress about the things I couldn't remember, and it snow-balled.
I finally picked up a journal and made it a habit to write in it everyday. I would write my thoughts, my fears, good news and bad. It was my last ditch effort to get my thoughts organized. It had been years since I kept a journal, but I know how much it helped previously to organize my thoughts and emotions: something I seem to have no control over right now.
The journal wasn't a cure-all, but I started to feel better. It helped that Alek was finally offered a job with free health insurance, and was then counter-offered by the job he was contracted at for more money and (also) free health insurance. It was a relief that, while money will still be tight; I am able to make small purchases on what baby will need when she is born.
Buying/nesting is my other stress manager. If I do everything I can to prepare, then my stress levels go down. With a baby on the way, we make weekly purchases such as diapers, wipes, feeding items and nursery essentials. This way, I feel like if she came early, we would at least have a few essentials on hand.
My nesting instinct has always been strong, and I've always dealt with varying degrees of anxiety. When we bought a new TV a few years ago, I had to make sure our whole bedroom was clean for it. Same thing for when we bought a new book shelf. All the time I ask myself, "What am I going to be like when I'm ACTUALLY nesting for a baby, not a TV or piece of furniture??" The truth is: I don't want to know.
My anxiety and habitual nesting deeply influenced the timing of the baby shower. My mother wanted it to be after the Holidays. The thought of being huge and pregnant (or possibly already having the baby - you know where my fears lay) actually made me physically sick. I knew all too well that as my due date approached, I would have our entire baby registry purchased already, even if it left us broke. Alek's mother wanted to host, and left the choice up to us. I researched online on the common baby websites such as thebump.com and babycenter.com to get advice on when an appropriate time to have a baby shower is. There was a range of reasons such as being too big, fatigued and uncomfortable to set up the nursery to the baby that couldn't wait to meet everyone, but the advice itself was unanimous: the sooner the better.
Ideally, I would have liked to have the shower in December. But we all know the challenges that the month of December brings. But lo and behold... there are still people that question our decision. Much like the stranger that gives you unsolicited parenting advice, some people just can't help themselves. "Why are you having the shower so early?"..."Timing issues" I answer. "What if you go into labor early and the baby is so early she doesn't make it?"...... I didn't actually have a response for that one, but I thought, "Geez, like that thought hasn't haunted me a hundred times every day. Thanks for bringing it up again." I remind myself... opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. But just because you have one, doesn't mean it needs to see the light of day. Or in this case, be heard by an already frazzled, stressed, emotional pregnant woman.
I have a few other comment favorites to leave you on:
"You want to deliver naturally? I don't think you can do it. You'll get halfway through and beg for drugs." Thanks for your faith in me.
"Natural birth? Are you a hippy?" Yep, want to see my braided pit hair?
"You plan to breastfeed? That's really challenging and most women give up. And don't you want your husband to share the late night responsibility?" When my husband grows mammary glands and produces liquid gold breast milk, we can share the responsibility. Once she's born, my needs aren't first. Sleep included.
"Wow - how much weight have you gained?" Enough, I assure you.
"You don't really look pregnant." Thanks for telling me I just look fat.
"Why do pregnant women rub their bellies?" First and foremost... my belly itches. Second, she's kicking and it feels cool.
Thanks for reading, everyone. I will dazzle you all with crazy preggo thoughts again soon.
