It's no secret that I'm an optimistic person. I get excited about a 5:30 AM drive to the gym that features all green lights the whole way. I get a real kick out of pull-through parking spots. I'm a little frazzled sometimes, yes. A little air-headed, definitely. Head in the clouds sometimes? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, I'm going to put a positive spin on an absolute pile of shit. It's just what I do. But life wasn't always that way for me.
I'll start from the beginning...
I was fresh out of High School and just started my first "real" job at a collections agency, Capital Management Services (it was part-time and at night, but I wasn't flipping burgers or cleaning toilets). My parents needed me to get the job to help cover the gap between my State/Federal student assistance and my education costs at Buffalo State. In my own brilliance, I also decided to take on 19 credit hours (more bang for my buck, I figured) in addition to working the 20 hours a week at CMS. To make matters worse, I didn't have a car. My mother was always a 3-11 worker and would so kindly pick me up from CMS and take me back to Buffalo State at the end of our shifts. During that time, I thought "If only I had a car - I would shave off so much time by not waiting for busses or waiting for my Mom." So I got a car.
Bank of America financed my loan, and decided they should also hand an 18 year old a credit card with a $2,000 credit limit. I took it, duh. Buying books alone for 1 semester runs close to $600. But then I needed work clothes. Then gas to get to work. In all honesty, having that job cost me more money than I made. By the time I realized this, it was too late. I had a car to pay for and a maxed out credit card.
Things with Alek and I were stressed. He was still in High School and I was a college woman. I thought I was so smart and "worldly." We fought a lot - mostly over things I can't even remember now. Actually, to be quite honest, I don't remember a lot about the 3 years that followed.
Looking back, Alek and I were both quite depressed. Once we were both at Buffalo State College, we worked at the same place and went to school at the same place. We car-pooled together, even. At midnight, we would finally arrive home and would eat an entire daily allowance of calories in 1 sitting and watch who-knows-what on TV til 2 AM. We fooled ourselves with the notion that we would get up for classes by 9:00 AM. Needless to say, we didn't go often, and we both failed miserably. Alek and I were both on academic probation.
My only real vice was shopping. I would charge outfits that I swore would make me finally feel better about my body (they didn't) and would buy dinner and snacks to no avail (those didn't help either). My finances spiraled out of control and I finally just gave up. In 4 months time, I had 3 charge-offs and 2 on the way. I managed to settle one out but the damage was done.
Things stayed like this for quite some time. I dodged collections calls and developed a coping mechanism which entailed; "What I don't know can't hurt me." Eventually, I enlisted in the help of a Consumer Credit Counseling Agency and made small payments towards my debts. I didn't care about my credit, I just wanted the phone calls to my parents' house to stop!
My grades at Buffalo State College were so poor that all of my financial aid was cut and the entire amount for the semester was due before I could register for classes again. Coming up with $2,000 in a matter of 2 weeks was simply not an option for me, so I dropped out.
I began working full time at CMS but things didn't get much better. I dodged bills and my spending habits were still out of control. My student loan payments came due and I dodged those, too. I reached my all-time high weight of 290 and joked myself with the intention of joining a gym. I went twice.
One night, on the way home from work, Alek and I had a discussion about our future. This talk was memorable because we never talked about our future at all, but this night was different. It was the night we realized we were both very depressed and heading down the wrong path. We both agreed to see our doctors about anti-depressants. As Alek always said of anti-depressants, they are a crutch, not a cure-all. I began to feel better about myself and cared more about my future. I worked out a couple of my bills and went for a promotion to become a Supervisor at Center One.
Since I was feeling a little better, but still needed a nudge, one day I started a "reward" program for myself. In order to be able to buy my favorite drink, an Iced Caramel Macchiato, I had to say one nice thing about myself. And those Iced Caramel Macchiatos were the only thing I was allowed to buy. My lunches were packed at home, and my other spending purchases were at a stand-still.
Even though I was feeling better, and was working towards being more optimistic, Alek was slower to follow suit. As he stayed drudged in his negative emotions, and I began researching ways to become fit and live a healthier life, Alek was still struggling with living day to day life. After 6 years of being together, I couldn't get him to talk about our future. Slowly, I gave up on him. I found reasons to fight with him and we started to grow apart. I figured he didn't plan to stay with me but just didn't have the energy to talk about it.
Although I felt detached from Alek and our relationship was headed south, I still considered him my best friend. So I decided the best thing to do was just be his friend. So I packed up and went to my parents. It lasted all of a few months, and we seen each other very often in between. I missed him, and I missed the way we were before depression had taken us down.
Alek made an honest change and worked hard at digging himself out of his own hole. We actually went on dates and eventually, Alek asked if I would be willing to give our relationship another try. I was reluctant at first. What happened if we fell back into the same hole we were in? What if we were 2 people that were just better off not together? What would happen if we stopped taking anti-depressants?
We ditched the anti-depressants, and much to our surprise, we were fine.
One night, after a great date and a long conversation, Alek and I decided to give it another go. It turned out that while discussing our future, we both discovered that we wanted to be parents, and have the same shared views on what we wanted our lives to be. A few months later, we decided to become husband and wife in our favorite place on Earth (Cancun) during the year of my lucky number (13).
I tell myself that it was the Starbucks Coffee that brought it all on, and I still hold a place in my heart (and cup holder) for my occasional cup of coffee. Although now, I prefer a Venti Iced Americano with Sugar Free Vanilla and Cream and only allow the treat once per week (I have a wedding to pay for!!).
Day after day, I remind myself that happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey. And it isn't something that happens, it's something you decide on. That day, with that cup of Starbucks, I took control of my emotions, my future, and my life. Thanks, Starbucks.
